There I was, moving through my Sun Salutations in the gym’s mirrored yoga studio.  If you looked at me, you would have thought that I was deep in my practice.  But all I could think about were my arms.  Within a period of five or ten minutes, they went from strong and reasonably toned to taking over my body and the room.  My body grew thicker and broader every time I peeked at my reflection.  I tried to breathe the negative self-talk away and was able to make it through the practice but walked away pissed off with a strong urge to eat chocolate.  Just about the only thing I was grateful for is that yoga studios generally do not have mirrors on the walls (whereas gyms generally do), so confronting my delts, triceps and shoulders is something I can avoid most of the time. Continue reading


What I’ve Accomplished In A Year

Not much, at least on the outside.  Lots of time obsessing over my body and food, without much to show for it.

I’m writing this so I remember that my decision to QUIT THE STRUGGLE is a good thing. I look fine and normal the way I am, I’m still relatively healthy, and my bulimia is getting better and better all the time. Heavy lifting with proper technique has helped me heal old yoga injuries and (even though it might not be visible) reduce my body fat percentage. All in all, nearly every moment I’ve spent worrying about my current weight, planning for my life after weight loss, or hating myself for having eaten too much, could have been better filled by listening to music, reading a good book, talking to a friend, cleaning my house, or doing just about anything else. Note to self:  please remember this, especially when you think about starting your recovery tomorrow.