Insomnia

I literally did not get any sleep last night and got out of bed at 2:30 am for the day. I hate feeling this tired and days like today will more often than not end in a binge, simply because I don’t have the mental strength to fight whatever irrationalities my mind is throwing at me. Today was better than usual, however, mainly because I’m trying to think more carefully about my hunger and what I really want to eat. I was so tired that I was nauseated for a while in the morning and then got very hungry and ate too many nuts at 9 am but didn’t eat anything till after 2, when I was done working for the day. I couldn’t sleep and on days like this, I’ll binge because I’m too tired to do things I “should” like go to the gym or clean my house. But today I lay down for a little and didn’t sleep and watched a really bad movie that made me cry anyway and then made some cookies that didn’t come out as well as I hoped they would so I ate more than I would have had they been a success (another thing I do–stress eat poorly executed baked goods but leave the good ones for others). I also ate food out of the refrigerator just to get rid of it. Yeah, it was food I liked, but I realize that I’m the one in charge of keeping the food rotated and if it’s good, it’ll be gone and if it’s not, then I’ll either have to eat it or throw it out. For some reason this is stressful. I probably didn’t eat enough during the day and wound up eating maybe two or three cookies, plus a few pieces of candy and was immediately feeling myself swing toward bingey thinking but stopped and told myself that I had simply overeaten a few sweets and it wasn’t a big deal. I’m done for the night so no worries. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Insomnia sucks and I wish I didn’t have it but it’s been with me for quite a while. I remember not sleeping for a month when my son was born. He was taking 4 or 5 hour naps and I was so stressed out and frazzled from lack of sleep that I couldn’t come down enough to catch any sleep of my own. I can function on no sleep but at a very low level and I feel like I wasted a day and taught three sub-standard classes.
Anyway, that’s the update. Not terrific but not terrible, especially in light of the insomnia and the starting to eat the cookies in frustration. Both are precursors to binges, and neither led to one. Score.
What a boring and lame ass post. Hopefully after a few days/weeks of this, i’ll stop bingeing because it’s so god-awful boring to write about. Last night, I came down and asked my kids if they could tell me the difference between introspection and self-absorption; I feel as though I’m veering dangerously toward the latter and it terrifies me to be thought of as one of those people who cheerfully catalogs her food every day. They were the ones whose names ended in “i” and made the dots on the “i”s in the shape of little hearts. ugh.

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