Not much, at least on the outside. Lots of time obsessing over my body and food, without much to show for it.
I’m writing this so I remember that my decision to QUIT THE STRUGGLE is a good thing. I look fine and normal the way I am, I’m still relatively healthy, and my bulimia is getting better and better all the time. Heavy lifting with proper technique has helped me heal old yoga injuries and (even though it might not be visible) reduce my body fat percentage. All in all, nearly every moment I’ve spent worrying about my current weight, planning for my life after weight loss, or hating myself for having eaten too much, could have been better filled by listening to music, reading a good book, talking to a friend, cleaning my house, or doing just about anything else. Note to self: please remember this, especially when you think about starting your recovery tomorrow.
I’m an all-or-nothing kind of gal. If something is worth doing, it’s worth doing 110%. And if I can’t give it 110%, then more often or not, I blow it off completely. Sometimes, I’ll tell myself I’m a failure in the process of doing so.
As I get older, however, I can see where this all-or-nothing thinking has not served me so well. If I’m not at the top of my field, it doesn’t mean I’m a fuck up. It simply means I might have to settle for being second-best. I see how my younger son’s perfectionism causes him (and us) more stress than he needs to experience, and while my older son’s lackadaisical attitude toward his obligations sometimes makes us grind our teeth, he usually winds up doing fine without killing himself in the process.
Someone whose opinion I trust advised me to move toward life’s gray areas and away from black and white thinking. This means that when I eat something that’s not on my plan for the day, I don’t have to let it ruin my eating for the whole day. When I have a bad workout or injure myself, it doesn’t mean that I have to bail on the gym for a week to recover from my psychic trauma. And sometimes, it’s okay to say “no” when you want to, even if it means that you risk no longer being the perfect wife or mother or daughter in someone else’s eyes. Continue reading